You're Doing Great
Many of us may have done some extra work to learn the skills to be an adult. Maybe you took an independent living class in high school or talked with some friends or family members about what you needed to know how to do as an adult. Mostly, it feels like everyone needs to do the same things, get a job, pay bills, prepare meals, etc. Becoming a parent feels much less standard. With so many parenting styles and the uniqueness of each child, it seems impossible to prepare in the same way. And then 1-3 days after your child is born, the nurse may check your carseat and off you go to be a parent for the rest of your life. Just when you feel like you've got the hang of it, something changes, a growth spurt a new developmental stage, a new life stage.
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On top of our children changing, we have more information than ever making it feel like we are never doing enough or doing it right. With popular children's shows like Bluey, the bar feels higher than ever (but remember, it's only 7 minutes of their animated lives and you too can do those things for 7 minutes).
Using a person-centered approach, we'll explore your unique family and situation, finding strengths, and focusing on solutions. Together, we will explore strategies to build confidence, enjoy the moment, and relish in your thriving family.
Some Strategies to Try
Plan Ahead
If you are coparenting, getting on the same page about how you are going to approach different situations with your child can create support for you and consistency for your child. Before you are in the thick of it, think about the next stage of development. Are there types of parenting that you really like or really hate?
If you have a baby, think about toddlerhood. Do you want to start extracurricular activities? How will you handle the transition from crib to big kid bed? How do you want to handle discipline?
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If you have a little kid, start thinking about what the transition to puberty and adolescence look like. When do you want to start chores? When should your child get a phone or social media? How do you feel about sleepovers? How do you feel about talking about body changes or "the talk"?
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Talking about these things with your coparent will give you more confidence to respond the way you want when the time comes.
Reward Charts
Ever feel like all you say is "no"? Once your child has begun learning delayed gratification, usually around age 3, sticker charts can be a helpful tool to recognize and reward the behavior you want to see and help you say "Yes!" I have used sticker charts for a variety of behaviors from potty training to staying in bed at bedtime to practicing calm down and emotional regulation strategies.
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Make the rewards easy to get in the beginning and more difficult as your child begins to show success in developing the skills. Create a simple chart that your child can mark off with a sticker or checkmark so you can track and celebrate together.
I have had a lot of success in adding multiple reward levels (ex: 1 small reward after 3 times, another reward after 10 times, a big reward after 30 times). Rewards don't need to be costly, they can be things like extra screen time or the chance to pick dinner. Pick something with your child and make sure it is meaningful to them.
Special Time
Special time is a short, child directed time that you set aside on regular intervals. It can range from 5 minutes to 1 hour and the key is that you eliminate distractions. Before you start, turn your phone on do not disturb, go to the bathroom, eat a snack, etc. Agree on a time and set a timer.
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As long as the activity is safe and reasonable, it is fair game. Let your child lead and get ready to have an amazing time entering their world, bonding, and creating great memories.
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You can find more information about special time from Boston University here.